But When We Were Young
by mariko05
Summary: Gossip Girl Lily remembers the way her and Rufus used to be, and maybe it will affect how they are now. Chapter three is now revised.
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer**: I do not own Gossip Girl in any way, shape, or form. I just like writing about it.

**Note**: The "You're the cheese to my macaroni" line is taken from the film _Juno_.

Enjoy. Happy reading!

But When We Were Young

Gossip Girl

Rufus/Lily

**Chapter One**: Remembering the Past Affects Our Future

If loving someone so much that it causes pain in your chest, I should know. Loving, and then leaving Rufus was one of the hardest things to do in my adolescent life. To be honest, I was a wild child and my mother didn't like it. I lived like I was part society, part rocker groupie. Rufus was Rod Stewart to my Rachael Hunter (okay, bad example, but you get the idea). We were desperately in love and my mother didn't like it. She believed I should marry for money, and Rufus certainly didn't have any. So I had to choose: lose my inheritance versus lose the love of my life. At nineteen, I knew I would fall in love again.

I met my husband Andrew at a charity function my mother was throwing. He was turning thirty and had never been married, and that same year I was turning twenty-two. He was handsome. He had thick, wavy, dark brown hair and hazel eyes, the gold flecks sparkling in the moonlight, and distinguished jaw line and soft chin and nose. My mother loved him dearly, which was partly because all the other mothers _wanted_ him for their daughters. She was also over-the-moon that by twenty-eight he was making hundreds of thousands a year and knew how to save. From the moment she introduced us she was planning the wedding. But it wasn't until he told me that I was the cheese to his macaroni (cheesy, I know) that I knew I was in love.

Andrew and I were married within a year of courtship. My mother wanted me off of her hands as soon as possible. He gave her that luxury. By the time our first born, Serena came into the world (which wasn't too long _after_) that I stopped talking to my mother period. I was still confused over the Rufus thing, and ecstatic about the getting-married-thing and decided to talk to her about it later. Anyways, I was a beautiful bride, if I do say so myself. I had lightly curled my pale blonde hair and swept it up, my modest dress really was modest and my veil only covered part of my face. My father kissed my temple, wished me all the happiness in the world and sat back down with my mother who was crying in the background. And don't worry, it was tears of joy at seeing her baby marry so well, not tears of anguish, which she would have surely displayed had I continued to date and eventually marry poor Rufus, who was _poor Rufus_ in _both_ senses of the word.

Rufus, I reluctantly have to admit, didn't do so badly either. By the time that he and his wife, Alison were having marital problems, I was already three years single. I haven't been married to Andrew for quite some time now; he died five years ago from cancer, but I will always be married to him in my heart. Despite what people might have thought, I did love Andrew, with all my heart, and when he died, without even meeting his newborn son, Eric, I was devastated. He'd always wanted a son.

Today is my birthday, and despite that it is a milestone, forty years, I am celebrating alone with a glass of wine. In the back of my closet, hiding behind all my clothes are pictures from my groupie days. Most of the pictures are of Rufus' performances, but there are some concert pamphlets, ticket stubs, mementos from our time together and pictures of us acting extremely goofy. By the time ten o'clock rolls around I've had over half of the bottle and feeling a little sleepy when the doorbell rings.

Behind the door is Rufus and he is holding a beautiful arrangement of flowers and a box of my favourite chocolates, and he is standing in front of me. All I can do is lean on the doorway smiling at him goofily. "Aren't you going to invite me in?" I remember him leaning towards me seductively. As I pull myself to one side to let him in, I see that a couple buttons to his button-down shirt are undone and I can see his tanned skin underneath. When I start to sway, Rufus takes the glass of wine from my hand and puts it down. He lifts me up and walks me to my room. Or a room that he thinks is mine. But since I'm inebriated I'm not in the mood to care. It's a bit of a struggle, but I'm able to sit up on my own. I rest my hand, gently, on Rufus' chest and lean into him to whisper in his ear. "This is the best birthday ever," I say as I begin to unbutton his shirt. But he stands up. "What are you doing?" I ask him. He looks angry now. "I could ask you the same question…You're drunk _and_ your hitting on me." It's my turn to act angry and self-righteous, "This is the way you like women. Drunk and half naked." He contemplates his response for a moment. "You're not half naked." He watches as I begin to undo the buttons of my shirt slowly. "But I could be." Before I can manage the second button, which is caught somewhere within the folds of the shirt, he lays me back down on the bed, kisses my forehead and whispers, "Happy birthday chickadee."

The next morning the sun is streaming into the room from the window, which is partially open, but is also exactly aligned with the bed. I moan, "Please, not today. Not when my head is gonna burst from pain." I manage to lift the pillow on top of my head and fall back to sleep. "Rufus?" I hear my daughter yell, "what are you doing _here_?" I then hear loud footsteps towards the room and she slams the door open. "What the hell is going on? Why is Dan's father here _and_ why are you in _my_ bed?" I wish I'm alone again. Rufus runs over and whispers in her ear. "She's had a lot to drink. Just leave her alone again." She shrugs him off. "What the hell mom?" She looks incredulous, "Are you _sleeping_ together?"


	2. Chapter 2

But When We Were Young

**Chapter Two**: The Most Surprising of All…

Well, I shouldn't be surprised at Serena's reaction to the night that Rufus and I had. Since I don't remember it very clearly, I could only assume that it consisted of him holding my hair out of my face as I puked the contents of my wine. _Happy birthday to you, Lily_! "Are you _sleeping_ with my boyfriend's dad?" she says slowly, yet at the same decibel level. Rufus looks on angrily as Serena continues to glare at me. "_Well_?"

"We are not sleeping together," Rufus answers impatiently, and herds Serena out of the room. "Why don't you eat breakfast with your brother? _And_ where were you last night? You must know that it was your mother's birthday."

"Get off your high horse, Mr. Humphrey. It's not like your dating my mother or evening _having sex_ with her, so you really don't get a say in any of this," Serena replies, and sits down at the kitchen table for breakfast. As she piles on the pancakes, butter, maple syrup and whipped cream she says, "Have I ever told you how grateful I am that you guys aren't back together? I mean, how awkward would it be for Dan and I if our parents were dating?"

Rufus, despite wanting to shake Serena silly and yell that he loves her mother, remains quiet.

"You don't still love her, do you?"

Rufus chooses to give her a tight smile and tells her to eat up. He then leaves the room to check on me.

Eric started smiling when Rufus leaves and whispered to Serena, "He _totally_ does."

I feel like a bomb went off in my head, and the orange juice (that Rufus just handed me) are like the people who have to rebuild the society after its been broken. But that doesn't matter when I can feel the sparks from friction as our hands briefly brush against one another. I slowly lower the glass to the nightstand, and reach for his left hand. With my own left hand I gently press my palm to his and intertwine our fingers. I whisper, "Come to bed with me."

All this time Rufus is staring at me. It is almost as if he is having conflicted feelings about what is going on. It isn't as if he has a wife waiting for him at home (not anymore, at least). Rufus looks at me like his soul is being tortured. "I've met someone," he told me.

"_Oh_." Which sounds completely and utterly stupid to me, but is all I can think of to say. "Then why are you here?"

"We aren't friends?" He looked pained.

I let go of his hand. "I suppose," I say, although I must look confused. "But we were never good at _being friends_. We were always the best at _friends-with-benefits_."

"Why don't we try this foreign concept, _being friends_ tonight? We can watch a movie and have a late dinner…"

I look at him skeptically. "And this girlfriends of yours won't mind?"

Rufus just shrugs. "We're friends now. She'll just have to get used to it."

**Seven hours later**…

Even though Rufus isn't going to be picking me up for another two hours, I can't help but wanting to look nice for him. I realize that isn't this the kind of thoughts that feminists were fighting against when I was growing up? But I can't help growing up with old-fashioned beliefs; the same ones that my mother once held for me.

I tried on dress after dress after dress. Nothing seemed to work. Even my favourite dress, the empire-waist, black satin Chanel doesn't even look _right_ on me. I try a different tactic this time. I close my eyes and enter the inner sanctum of my walk-in closet. I decide that the first dress I take of its hanger (with my eyes closed, of course) will be the one that I decide to wear on my date (sorry, I mean, to wear while we "hang out").

The doorbell rings twenty minutes early and I'm frantically trying to find my other drop earring. "Coming…" I called out to the person who is behind the door. I thrust the door open, and I'm standing with my hands at my side, wearing a gorgeous red silk kimono, and one tier-drop diamond earring. "Are you going on a date?" Bex asked curiously. "No, a friend of mine and I are just 'hanging out'," I reply. She laughed and says that "hanging out" sounds unnatural when it comes from me. _Well, thanks, I think_.

Anyways, she told me, that she is here because she has found me the perfect piece of art for my living room. The catch? I would have to pick it up myself because she and her boyfriend are going on vacation to the Caimans when it will be ready. She said that someone will be there when I pick it up. I should have realized then _whom_ she was talking about, but I didn't.

**One hour, forty-two minutes later**…

The doorbell rings for the second time within the last two hours. This time Rufus is standing behind the door (gorgeous, albeit scruffy, and I am totally overdressed). "Wow," he whispers. "You know it's _not_ a date, right?" Feeling myself flush, I reply, "Of course I know, silly. This is what I always wear to 'hang out'." Rufus looks at me strangely, "It sounds so unnatural when it comes from you."

"When _what_ comes from me?"

"When you say 'hangin' out'"

"Oh, so you can say it, Rufus Humphrey, but I can't?"

"But you say it like you've never said it before."

**Three hours, twelve minutes later**…

Rufus takes me to a half-deserted, hole-in-the-wall, throw down to the sixties, honest-to-goodness diner. I haven't been to one of these things since I was a teenager and hopelessly in love with him. And now I am facing him in the diner, he looks oblivious, and starts talking to me about the movie.

"_So_, how was it?"

"You are asking _me_, how was it? You were the one that fell asleep!"

"You know how I feel about _girly_ movies!"

The waiter walks up to us. "Can I get you anything to drink?"

I don't even glance at the menu, or the waiter. "Anything with alcohol, please."

The waiter looks uncomfortable. "I'm sorry, but we don't have a liquor license."

I look at him incredulously. "You don't _sell_ alcohol?"

"No."

I pass, and Rufus orders a chocolate-vanilla swirl milkshake. _Oh my god_, I wonder how many lifetimes it would take to work off the calories of that thing alone. He ends up ordering _the roller-skate burger with fries_ and I order a garden salad with Italian dressing on the side. Rufus could tell I am going to be a ton of fun. When he receives his gigantic milkshake he takes a long drink, then he offers it to me. "You want some?"

I am eyeing the drink. As much as I want to try it, in the back of my mind I am hearing _but you're forty, you should eat healthy to maintain your good looks_, whereas, the other side says, _it looks DELICIOUS…_that side won out (this time).

I put the straw to my mouth and take a sip. "Wow," I exclaim, "this is really good." I take another long sip, but end up spitting out half when I feel Rufus' barefoot rub against my leg. "What are you doing?"

He starts to laugh. "You have whipped cream on your nose." He flicked it off and then licked his finger. At the time it was very sensual, but I knew I shouldn't have read more into it, than it was, but somehow we _both_ did.

His hand rests on my bare leg for a moment or two as he stares into my eyes. "Have I told you tonight how beautiful you are?"

"Yes." Now this is hard for me to swallow.

"Have I told you how much I love you?"

I sigh. "I thought you have a girlfriend?"

Now it is his turn to sigh. "I do."

"Then what are we doing?"

"We are getting up, paying for the food, and going back to your place."

_Sexy_.

**Five minutes later (in the cab)**…

As the cab is pulling from the curb and we are leaving the sixties diner in our past, he roughly grabs my knee as he leans in to kiss me. Even before our lips touch I can feel my body react in anticipation. What seems like minutes, although was merely seconds later, I can feel his hot breath on my face, and his lips gently pressing onto mine. I forgot how sexy I feel when I'm with him. I kiss him back and his mouth is opening mine. I snake one arm around the back of his neck and the other remains pressed against his chest. I can hear moans, but I'm not sure whether they're mine or whether they're his. I open my mouth more and I can feel his tongue. It's warm and wet and soft and I'm _in love_ again.

**Twenty minutes later**…

We tumble onto my bed, not even worrying if my kids are home, and if so, whether they can hear us. I am too caught up in the _us_ to even worry about the implications of what _we_ are.

**The next morning**…

Bright and early the next morning the doorbell rings. I look around my room and clothes are strewn everywhere. Then I look beside me. Rufus is no longer in bed, but I can hear the sizzle of the frying pan, and the unlocking of the door. I can hear voices. They sound angry, and I grab my kimono as I gently tread to the door of my bedroom to hear what is going on.

"Rufus?"

"Hi Bex," he says sheepishly.

"_Uh_, what are you doing here?"

"Cooking breakfast?" He tried to evade the _real_ question.

"_And_ why are you wearing boxers?"

"Because it's hot in here."

"_Really_?"

"Really? I came to celebrate Lily's birthday with her."

"In your boxers?"

"Yeah, I guess."

"You know, I thought after all that trouble we went through, that I would have at least gotten the decency of being broken up with before you sleep around with hot, bored, wet, middle-aged housewives."

"Hey! I'm middle-aged," Rufus whined.

I walk up from behind him. "Hi Bex," I whispered.

"We," she waves at all of us, "are over. I don't care how you two know each other, but it's over. You disgust me, Rufus. You betrayed my trust."

I looked up at Rufus. He looked like he was in shock. I tried to lighten the mood. "Well, at least I know who your girlfriend was now."

"That's not funny Lil. I think she just broke up with me. And I really liked her."

"You just didn't like having sex with her," I spat.

He doesn't look at me, but he whispered, "We never got to that point." He returned to the bedroom, and gathered his things. "I'm leaving. I'll call you later."

As he closes the door, he called out, "Don't let the pancakes burn!"


	3. Chapter 3

But When We Were Young

**Chapter Three**: I Wish Things Didn't Have to End This Way

"Damn you Rufus!" I yelled after him as I slamed the door shut. "I'll let 'em burn if I want to!"

I reluctantly returned to the kitchen and looked into the pan. I see that the burner was on level five and the cakes were perfectly brown. How is it that even when he's long gone, Rufus _always_ makes the best food? And why is it that even when I'm fully focused I _always_ burn my toast? Sometimes he's just a pain in my ass, and I should be glad to be rid of him. But I have this pit in my stomach that I may never see him again, and I want to cry.

I sat down with my huge stack of pancakes and drenched them in whipping cream (freshly made, I tell you) and strawberry jam. I also dig up the expensive champagne that I bought on impulse for a special occasion. But what's a special occasion like being dumped by your rocker ex-boyfriend? Who also just so happens to be the father of the boy your daughter is dating. God, being a parent is complicated. There are just so many rules to follow…_and_ so many rules to break.

Rufus shakes his head as he entered the elevator. "Damn it! What the hell were you thinking?" he said to himself. He knew in his heart that after Allison he could never be anything but monogamous to another woman. And yet, here he is screwing around with his ex-girlfriend when he was about to date a very attractive art dealer.

He dealed Bex's number. "Hello?" Then when he hears her voice he hangs up. A moment later his cell rings and when he sees her number he shuts his phone off. "_God, what is wrong with me?_" he asked himself.

"Mom?" said Serena as she rubbed her eyes. "What time is it?"

"Time to get a watch!" I giggled at my own lame ass joke.

"Not funny. Did Rufus stay over?"

"Why would you ask?" _Do I seem guilty?_

"Only because you're eating your weight in pancakes and I could hear you guys last night. I hope you realize that you are _loud_."

_Yeah, I can't talk about this with her_. "I can't talk to you about this."

"Because I'm your daughter?"

"Because you're my daughter."


	4. Chapter 4

But When We Were Young

**Chapter Four**: The Getaway

Droplets of blood glisten on shards of broken glass that lay at Rufus' feet. He looked up at his son.

"What in _hell_ is going on?"

Dan looked frustrated and angry. "Leave me alone, _okay_?"

"What the _fuck_ has happened to your hand?"

"_LEAVE ME ALONE! _O-K?"

Before Rufus attempted to navigate through his son's now destroyed room, he surveyed the damage. He couldn't believe the absolute mess it had become. Like many whiny parents, he couldn't _believe_ that it looked like a tornado had hit it. He would expect this from Jenny, but _not_ from Dan. In many respects Dan was a neat freak, like him. But this served nothing of his signature.

Rufus bent down and picked up a broken blue seashell.

"You broke the lamp."

Dan looks down at the floor. Tears stung his eyes, and he also bends down to pick up another broken seashell.

"This was your favourite."

"Yes."

"And now its broken. Why?"

"If I told you why, you wouldn't understand."

"How about you try me?"

For a few moments, Dan looked hesitant. Does his dad really look like the understanding type? But reluctantly he opened up.

"Serena?" Lily called out. "Serena?"

The huge apartment seemed unbearably silent, as it seemed that everyone in her household had either taken the night off, or left her to suffer the night alone.

As she passed her daughter's room, she heared giggles, and Georgina's unmistakable voice.

"Of course she won't mind. Serena's up for anything."

Georgina giggles as the crystal glass (filled with vodka) drops from Serena's hand and shatters on the floor.

"Shit!" shouts the man sitting beside her. As fat droplets of blood fall onto Serena's floor and broken glass, she remains blissfully unaware. By the time that Georgina had _dropped_ by (uninvited of course), Serena was halfway into a state of complete oblivion. She had just dumped Dan, and was on her fifth martini of the night. But good ol' Georgie wanted to make it a night to remember. So she invited Michael. And all her troubles will be forgotten.


End file.
